No reason to fear

As predicted - all went well for little L this morning. She was a super brave little toaster. She didn't cry beforehand at all... The crying afterward was largely the anesthesia talking. Although it was pretty brutal for her to be inconsolable for about half an hour.

Now, we are home and resting. Well, they are resting. I am awake bouncing H in his bouncer chair. He wakes up and cries when I stop.

I really don't have anything else I CAN talk about right now.

Sorry for the cop out boring post... But, hey - at least I'm still posting...

- a

Baby going under anesthesia in the morning

Little L is having tubes put in her ears tomorrow morning. I know it is the best thing for her. And I know that it is a no big deal outpatient procedure.

But

I'm still super uneasy. I don't like the thought of her going under anesthesia. It just makes me nervous.

And my stupid drama queen brain. I caught myself several times today smoothing her hair back behind her ear and thinking "what if this is the last time I get to do that?"

I love this little girl so much more than I was even aware a person could love. I thought I knew the breadth and depth of love. I didn't know jack. I look at her and I see infinite potential packaged up in the most adorable little precious girl. I'm consummately proud of her - and I never want to be far from her.

I know that she will be fine. And I will be fine too. But for tonight, I suppose I need to let my brain work through its fears. Irrational though they may be.

- a

Tears & heartache

Well, there weren't officially tears that I saw... But this morning was the first time when being dropped off at school that L showed any emotion other than glee. She was super sad and little, she clung to the before care teacher. In one way, it was good that she wasn't clinging to me.... But also - how come she wasn't clinging to me?!?!? I am here mommy, right? Ingrate!

By the time I picked her up this afternoon she was in good spirits and it was as if nothing had happened. I knew that she would be fine. Reason told me that the heartache I endured all day was unnecessary. But that didn't ease it one bit.

I was nauseous this morning driving away from her school.


Okay... Back to cooking dinner. My MIL is coming over for dinner tonight and I want it to be ready when she arrives. Greek chicken pasta - be ready to be delish!!!

-a

Need to figure out a way

H is 2 months old now. He's settling in to a more humane nursing schedule, and I think it's time for me to begin to address this deflated buncha belly I've got going on. It seems ridiculous to me that I can weigh nearly 40lbs less than I did when I got pregnant with H, and yet - I'm not really able to wear smaller clothes. It's because I've got this inner tube of skin around my midsection. It makes me look like I have a muffin top even when I'm not wearing clothes. It's an issue, and it's time for me to find a way to address it.

Since I've been up at all hours nursing, I've seen a bunch of infomercials. I think I'm actually going to order one. My theory has always been with those things that there is no magic cure, no one exercise program or machine that will work wonders for you. The only way is to choose an exercise and then actually do it. So, I'm going to try one. Goodness knows when I will find the time. But I have worked really hard on eating a more healthful diet and I don't want that to go to waste because I'm too lazy to actually exercise.

Plus - if I do want to go for that third child, it would behoove me to be in the best physical shape possible before hand.

Just some thoughts from the playroom this morning.

-a

it's quiet now, what do YOU say?

a line from one of L's favorite books. I quote it because it is in the small, quiet moments when I'm reading a story, or nursing, that I realize just how blessed I am.

two miracles passed right through me into this world.

I am so thankful.

and what's crazy is - I have a fantastically supportive husband & mother

today has been hectic so far - and there's no end in sight for the weekend. we've got company coming in from out of town, so there is cleaning to do (not going to get done)... we had errands to run, and of course - kids to feed, change diapers, chase, rock, etc...

I often feel like I'm the only one...

...who can make breakfast (for EVERYONE)
...who can dress the kids
...who can change diapers
...who can give baths (when my mother isn't here - she usually does do this one)
...who can give medicine
...who can brush teeth (mom handles this one too)
...who can make lunch
...who can decide whether or not to pick up a crying child

This morning, H woke up to nurse at 720, I settled in to nurse him while X got L up. when I finished nursing, it was one fluid movement from putting H in his bouncer chair to cooking breakfast. this is a typical morning around here. some mornings, I don't cook breakfast for X because he has to leave for work before I can do it. but 9 mornings out of 10... I nurse and then I start cooking. I wonder about mothers who did this without modern conveniences... how did they handle nursing a baby, making a meal from scratch, and not losing their shit every single day?

we got home from running errands, and I put H down in his carseat and immediately walked into the kitchen to make lunch. I am finishing my sandwich as I type this, because as soon as I am finished - it will be time to nurse again. Following nursing, I will be going to the grocery store to get a few ingredients to cook tonight's dinner.

I feed. I cook. I feed. I cook.

I also wonder how single parents do it. Without the help from X and mom, I don't know - I'd probably be in a looney bin by now. I definitely need breaks often. Even if it's just someone taking L for a walk or into the other room for 5 minutes. I cannot imagine not being able to call out "honey? could you please bring me a diaper/wipe/kleenex/new outfit for the baby, etc..." and have someone at the ready to help in that way.

I know that men are generally not intuitive creatures and that they are generally happy to do what we ask - we just have to ask, because they don't realize that x, y, and z need to be done. But sometimes I do still wish that X would be intuitive. So I don't have to ask. Because, honestly I feel guilty asking for real help. I feel guilty asking him to help clean because it's my job. He doesn't ask me to do any part of his job. So - why should I?

Of course, I don't leave my dirty socks on his desk... so there's that.

Every job on the planet has bitter and sweet.

I just need to find some sugar, and swallow. :)

- a

"I'm not going to let my kids do that" and other lies we tell ourselves

as I sit here with Winnie the Pooh playing on the tv in the playroom for the hundredth time, I am reminded of my judgy mcjudgypants attitude against parents who let their kids watch movies everyday. "I'm not going to let my kids watch movies everyday. no tv before 2 years at all, and then only 20 minutes a day. it offends me that parents are proud or think it's cute when their child can recite lines from a movie at a young age."

all a buncha bull.

ideally, I would love it if we took nature walks every morning, and went to enriching museums every afternoon. and the library. and the zoo. but that's not our current reality. and I have to let it go. right now, L watches Winnie the Pooh and the Lion King and Phineas & Ferb and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and PBS while I nurse H, or sit like a zombie on the playroom floor struggling to keep my eyes open. the tv isn't quite a babysitter - but it's definitely an extra set of hands so to speak. 4 years ago me is appalled. today me would tell her to get bent.

"you can do anything. but you can't do everything"

so - I don't get to be the mom who makes all her baby's food from scratch, or who doesn't let them watch tv, or who trains for a marathon while her kids nap. and that's okay by me.

I just hope this humbling epiphany will help me be less judgmental in the future.

-a

birth control and the three day decision

My husband and I had made the decision to have 2 children. period. two. and we have to beautiful children. a son and a daughter. no reason to long for that little girl or little boy - we have one of each.

and yet.

My pregnancies haven't been what one would call enjoyable - and one of them was even high risk. I don't enjoy being pregnant. I, in fact, truly dislike being pregnant.

and yet.

I've been having these dreams the past couple of weeks where I find out I'm pregnant, and then find out it's a girl. And it's always a shock, and it's always a mixed bag of excitement and dread. And when I wake up from these dreams, I'm always relieved that they aren't reality.

and yet...

I can't seem to shake the longing for one more child. I'm not that Duggar lady - I don't have any delusions of having 15 kids, I don't even think I would go so far as to have 4 or 5... but it seems like this 3rd baby needs to be born. But I DO REALIZE that I could be under the spell of crazy hormones. And for that reason - I will not make the decision to persue a 3rd child.

However, my husband had offered (and we had previously agreed) that he would have a vasectomy.

After much discussion together, with my mother, and with our family doctor, we have decided not to decide for now. And I'm going to have mirena (I don't know how to spell it) placed for the time being.

If in a couple of years I still want this 3rd baby, we'll discuss it again. And if not? He'll go in and have the vasectomy.

On to the three day decision... (I'll bet you thought I already covered that, huh?)

It's about L, and her school. Currently, she goes to school 2 days a week. And it's great. She loves her school, and she gets great enrichment from being there. She can count to ten in English and Spanish, she can jump, she does the hokey pokey - I didn't teach her those things. Just before H was born, we discussed sending L to school 3 days a week, but I decided at the time that it wasn't what I wanted to do.

Now, I think it might be a good idea.

It's only until 2:30, and 2 of the hours she is away at school, she's napping (and would be if she were here)... So I'm really only missing out on 3 hours of awake L time each day she's gone. And to be honest - right now especially, when she's here I'm not enriching her. I'm struggling to keep up with her. (and to keep her from hurting or killing herself by climbing on various things in the house).

So we may become three-days-a-weekers.

Which would also give me more time to blog...

-a

NaBloPoMo and a shower

I've been repeatedly begged by my friends to keep a blog. And I've thought it would be a great idea, and a fantastic way for me to share my crazy life with an audience. But I've generally sucked at actually sitting down and writing an entry each day.

And then I came across NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) - during which the challenge is to post to a blog every day for the month of November. This is much more doable for me than the National Novel writing month, or the No shave November (which, let's face it - I could do... but my husband, who has already been through too much of seeing me at my worst in the past few months, doesn't deserve that particular brand of torture).

So, here I am. Let's see if I'm up to the challenge.

I got to take a shower today. This may seem like a small accomplishment, but first let me say that I hadn't gotten one since SUNDAY, and second - I didn't just get a perfunctory shower, I got a shower during which I had time to actually wash my hair AND shave my legs (take that, No shave November!). L went to school today (as we are considering sending her 3 days a week now instead of just 2), and H was mercifully not attached to my boob for the moment, so I seized the opportunity.

H has been nursing so often, I was thinking he must have had a tapeworm... But it's finally slowing down. I'm not kidding - he would finish nursing, burp, get a diaper change, and immediately start rooting for the boob again. I thought I would lose my mind. He already weighs over 12 pounds! L didn't weigh 12 pounds until she was a year old. And he's not even 2 months old!!

I'm going to tempt fate now and try to have lunch before H wants to nurse again. I may even see what it's like to chew before I swallow AND what food tastes like hot instead of lukewarm or cold.

may the force be with me.

late nights, sore muscles, and missing the money shot

morning of day 3. feels like we've been here a week. I am exhausted.

let's go back to thursday and work forward from there... my aunt and her family arrived in the late afternoon, and we headed out to the biltmore millennium hotel for a reception for N and his classmates. ritzy! but, although appropriately dressed, as we were walking in, I couldn't help feeling like we were out of place... maybe that was due to the fact that this reception was being held IN A BAR!

yep - call dhs!!! I took my 17 month old baby to a bar. whats worse - we were not asked to leave. I don't know if they would have served her, but they acted like it was perfectly normal. this is LA, though, land of plastic surgery. maybe they figured L was the hot new Hollywood starlet or something.

a bar. sheesh!

following our shots, (I keed, I keed) we went to dinner. time check?? oh, it was 8:30pm LA time.L normally goes to bed at 8pm OK time. the poor thing slept through dinner - maybe due to the 45 min wait we sat through.

we got back to the hotel around 11:45 - and poured ourselves into bed.

LA - arrival day, or "there's no crying in mommy travel"

I just finished crying it out. this morning couldn't have gone better. the airport staff, flight, hotel shuttle, everything went smoothly. L was a dream. well behaved the whole flight. I even got a compliment at the end of the flight from another passenger that L was so quiet. :) traveling mommy gold star!

however, all I could think of the whole time was the old bill Cosby big about Jeffrey on the airplane, and how at the end of the flight his mother was so frazzled, exhausted, and just plain defeated. this is how I was starting to feel about half an hour before landing when...

...suddenly my tummy and arm were warm and wet. L's diaper had failed, and she and I found ourselves covered in pee. no changing table on the airplane, and we were about to land so the fasten seatbelt sign was on. we'd just have to deal with it.

frazzled? yes, and wet.

we get to the hotel, get her changed and fed, then proceed to attempt to get her to nap FOR THE NEXT 2 hours!!!

by the time she finally fell asleep, 10 minutes ago - I was in tears. hormones, stress, and exhaustion - since I've been up since 3am central time - and it's now noon pacific.

let's hope I can get a nap in now, and the rest of the day will be much improved.

why "if I can't see it, nobody else can" does not apply to pregnant women and body hair

...because people have eyes.

really, that's the reason.

also - my husband should be sainted. I couldn't tell you under oath how long it's been since I last shaved above the knee... at least 6 months - probably longer. but thanks to my sweet friend Laura - I had some time to actually shower BY MYSELF, and I got to take longer than 4 minutes to do it! MIRACLE!

all this shaving and showering was prompted by the fact that we have L's first swim lesson today! I am super excited! will do my best to post an additional update tonight.

travel preparation

I'm traveling to California with my 17 month old and my 80 year old grandmother this week for my cousin's graduation from USC. This will be my daughter's first time on an airplane.

bad idea?

maybe. I am feeling a little in-over-my-head. I've been making lists the past few days... don't forget swimming diapers, sippy cups, spoons, bibs, SHOES! I'm starting to feel a teensy bit frantic and unprepared. sort of how I felt before the beginning of a new school year when I was a teacher.

I fully expect there to be much ridiculousness surrounding this trip, and I fully plan on posting it on here. I only wish my daughter could blog... It'd be hilarious to hear the story from her perspective... my mom is nuts, she's been running around this airport all morning with toilet paper hanging out of the back of her pants, and food stuck in her teeth. I'd tell her about it - but it's much more fun to watch her squirm.

oy. this may not have been the best decision.

why I'm not partying in the streets with my fellow countrymen today

I certainly don't want to rain on anybody's parade. if you are twelve kinds of happy about Bin Laden's death - I am happy for you. I know that his death can certainly bring closure to families who have been hurting for ten long years now. I know that his death is making some people feel more safe in this turbulent world.

but to me...

I don't feel safer. I feel strange about celebrating "the death of an evil man". I've been somber all day. Somber and maybe a little scared.

I know that there will be retaliation. I know that Bin Laden's most loyal followers have a plan in place in the event of his death or capture by the US. I'm not as worried being a mid-westerner, since terrorists generally like to stick to big, coastal cities... but I am planning a trip to a big, coastal city in the next couple of weeks. with my daughter. and my unborn son.

and I know, I know, if we allow ourselves to be afraid, the terrorists win. but whatever. I can be scared all I want.

I got all stressy like this after McVeigh's execution too. but I feel like it's amplified today. more so than with McVeigh, I feel like this is a matter of opinion. Bin Laden is seen in the West as an evil mass murderer... (and I'm not arguing with that fact) but were we on his side, we would no doubt feel just as convicted that he was doing God's work (his God, of course - but aren't we ALL convinced that only our God is the right God?? and who are we to condemn someone for believing in a different deity than we believe in ?)

I guess I just don't understand. I don't get the concept of killing for religious purposes. honestly, I don't get the concept of killing without immanent danger to the self. (like, if someone were going to kill or hurt me or my kids, I would try to incapacitate them without killing them, but if I had to kill them, I'd do it.) but minus that - I don't see a reason to kill.

also - I didn't lose anyone in the 9/11 or the OKC attacks. I don't know what that pain is like for the families who have felt, until yesterday, that the man who murdered their loved ones had gotten away with it. I don't have a family member or loved one in the military right now. (I have extended family there, but no one I'm super close with) I imagine I would feel MUCH differently about this situation if I did.

but all I can seem to muster today are feelings of disappointment, loss, worry, and fear.

disappointment in us as humans. that we can hate so much that we cease to see humanity in others (as did Bin Laden... he did not see Westerners as humans, and so we did not see him as one)

loss for the ability to make sense of all of this.

worry and fear that the retaliation will be horrible. will hurt and or kill more innocent people, and that possible hurt or death could come to my loved ones.

sighing,

a

sigh of relief... and on to other (mis)adventures

call off the presses.. the placenta being "in the wrong place" is a non-issue for right now. (unless I start bleeding, but honestly, bleeding during pregnancy is a big deal no matter the placement of the placenta - so that's not a news flash) turns out the OB's nurse misunderstood the OB's orders. I am to go for a radiology ultrasound after I am 25 weeks along to see if the placenta has relocated itself or not. if not, it's truly not a huge problem since I'm a c-section anyhow... essentially, if the placenta is covering up the cervix (you know, the exit) and it is not detected before delivery, the mom and baby can have massive bleeding issues.

for now - we're a-okay. crisis (that didn't really exist) averted.

up next for me... putting the pregnancy back on autopilot (as if I have any choice for it not to be), and placing my focus back on getting our new house in order. tomorrow, we are having our home security system installed. it's scheduled to take "several" (4-6) hours. which wouldn't be any big deal if we had anything resembling comfortable seating at the new place yet. we have 2 lawn chairs. and entertaining a 16 month-old in a house full of space and air is somewhat of a challenge. (particularly when there is no suitable place for her to nap.

planning for exhaustion tomorrow. and an early bedtime tonight.

what do you mean, "it's in the wrong place"?!?!?!

I got a call this morning from the nurse at my OB's office. she said, "the results from your last ultrasound are back, and the doctor wants you to go and get another one because your placenta is in the wrong place". okay, so should I go in a month or so? "no, the doctor wants you to go ASAP". um, I have an appointment with her tomorrow for an ultra sound. do you still want me to go for this other one? "yes. as soon as possible"

pardon me?!? what the eff does that mean?

guess I'll find out something tomorrow morning at my OB appointment, and then the rest thursday morning at my next ultrasound.

will keep you posted.

sigh

on mombiehood, and other things

most days, if I don't get to take a shower, I don't care. I may feel a little grubby, but it generally doesn't affect my mood.

today was not most days. I was beyond pissed to not have had the option to take a shower today. I was pissed mostly at my husband. why? no telling. he was out running errands on my behalf all day. and before leaving the house this morning, he folded AND PUT AWAY his own laundry. but for some reason, it was all his fault that I didn't get a shower, and I was hellbent on making him suffer the consequences.

but then I realized I'm 5 months pregnant, and perhaps not in my right mind. I took some time to sit down, and breathe... I looked through a couple of catalogs - Pottery Barn Kids can heal most wounds - and I remembered that I married a wonderful man who doesn't want to condemn me to a showerless existence. He, in fact, probably would prefer that I did shower every day. by the time dinner was over, and I actually got my moment in the shower, my rage had subsided, and I was back to being my semi-normal self.

I think, however, if I get any huger with this pregnancy - all persons in a 5-30 mile vicinity should be ware of the crazy, hormonal, possibly nude (since my maternity clothes are even getting a little snug), pregnant woman on the loose.... who knows how I'll react to not getting a shower the next time!

in other news... the pregnancy is going well, aside from my sheer girth. I am about as big now as I was at the end of my first pregnancy, and I'm only halfway done! and yeah, it's a boy and they're bigger... it's okay, you're supposed to be big when you're pregnant... oh, you aren't that big - here let me sit you at a table instead of a booth.... WHATEVER!!!

I have made friends with the notion that I am not a good pregnant person. I LOVE the result! I couldn't be more in love with my daughter, and I know I will be over the moon for my son - BUT this pregnancy business and I are not compatible. the nausea... awful! it's been way worse this round than with my daughter. presumably because I am carrying little boy so much higher, all he has to do is move a little, and he's touching my stomach, and making me run for the bathroom. And speaking of running for the bathroom... the constipation is worse than the nausea.

I am, however, happy to report that in the last week, I seem to have gotten the laxative thing down to a science, and as long as I can remember not to bend over at the waist, and not to get too ambitious with the toothbrush - I can generally keep the nausea at bay. (unless, of course my little girl has one of her notorious diapers, then all bets are off!)

today, I needed to vent. I needed to complain about being unbathed, nauseous, and constipated. it won't always be a bitchfest... but it won't always be birds singing either.

I hope you enjoy reading.

a