No reason to fear

As predicted - all went well for little L this morning. She was a super brave little toaster. She didn't cry beforehand at all... The crying afterward was largely the anesthesia talking. Although it was pretty brutal for her to be inconsolable for about half an hour.

Now, we are home and resting. Well, they are resting. I am awake bouncing H in his bouncer chair. He wakes up and cries when I stop.

I really don't have anything else I CAN talk about right now.

Sorry for the cop out boring post... But, hey - at least I'm still posting...

- a

Baby going under anesthesia in the morning

Little L is having tubes put in her ears tomorrow morning. I know it is the best thing for her. And I know that it is a no big deal outpatient procedure.

But

I'm still super uneasy. I don't like the thought of her going under anesthesia. It just makes me nervous.

And my stupid drama queen brain. I caught myself several times today smoothing her hair back behind her ear and thinking "what if this is the last time I get to do that?"

I love this little girl so much more than I was even aware a person could love. I thought I knew the breadth and depth of love. I didn't know jack. I look at her and I see infinite potential packaged up in the most adorable little precious girl. I'm consummately proud of her - and I never want to be far from her.

I know that she will be fine. And I will be fine too. But for tonight, I suppose I need to let my brain work through its fears. Irrational though they may be.

- a

Tears & heartache

Well, there weren't officially tears that I saw... But this morning was the first time when being dropped off at school that L showed any emotion other than glee. She was super sad and little, she clung to the before care teacher. In one way, it was good that she wasn't clinging to me.... But also - how come she wasn't clinging to me?!?!? I am here mommy, right? Ingrate!

By the time I picked her up this afternoon she was in good spirits and it was as if nothing had happened. I knew that she would be fine. Reason told me that the heartache I endured all day was unnecessary. But that didn't ease it one bit.

I was nauseous this morning driving away from her school.


Okay... Back to cooking dinner. My MIL is coming over for dinner tonight and I want it to be ready when she arrives. Greek chicken pasta - be ready to be delish!!!

-a

Need to figure out a way

H is 2 months old now. He's settling in to a more humane nursing schedule, and I think it's time for me to begin to address this deflated buncha belly I've got going on. It seems ridiculous to me that I can weigh nearly 40lbs less than I did when I got pregnant with H, and yet - I'm not really able to wear smaller clothes. It's because I've got this inner tube of skin around my midsection. It makes me look like I have a muffin top even when I'm not wearing clothes. It's an issue, and it's time for me to find a way to address it.

Since I've been up at all hours nursing, I've seen a bunch of infomercials. I think I'm actually going to order one. My theory has always been with those things that there is no magic cure, no one exercise program or machine that will work wonders for you. The only way is to choose an exercise and then actually do it. So, I'm going to try one. Goodness knows when I will find the time. But I have worked really hard on eating a more healthful diet and I don't want that to go to waste because I'm too lazy to actually exercise.

Plus - if I do want to go for that third child, it would behoove me to be in the best physical shape possible before hand.

Just some thoughts from the playroom this morning.

-a

it's quiet now, what do YOU say?

a line from one of L's favorite books. I quote it because it is in the small, quiet moments when I'm reading a story, or nursing, that I realize just how blessed I am.

two miracles passed right through me into this world.

I am so thankful.

and what's crazy is - I have a fantastically supportive husband & mother

today has been hectic so far - and there's no end in sight for the weekend. we've got company coming in from out of town, so there is cleaning to do (not going to get done)... we had errands to run, and of course - kids to feed, change diapers, chase, rock, etc...

I often feel like I'm the only one...

...who can make breakfast (for EVERYONE)
...who can dress the kids
...who can change diapers
...who can give baths (when my mother isn't here - she usually does do this one)
...who can give medicine
...who can brush teeth (mom handles this one too)
...who can make lunch
...who can decide whether or not to pick up a crying child

This morning, H woke up to nurse at 720, I settled in to nurse him while X got L up. when I finished nursing, it was one fluid movement from putting H in his bouncer chair to cooking breakfast. this is a typical morning around here. some mornings, I don't cook breakfast for X because he has to leave for work before I can do it. but 9 mornings out of 10... I nurse and then I start cooking. I wonder about mothers who did this without modern conveniences... how did they handle nursing a baby, making a meal from scratch, and not losing their shit every single day?

we got home from running errands, and I put H down in his carseat and immediately walked into the kitchen to make lunch. I am finishing my sandwich as I type this, because as soon as I am finished - it will be time to nurse again. Following nursing, I will be going to the grocery store to get a few ingredients to cook tonight's dinner.

I feed. I cook. I feed. I cook.

I also wonder how single parents do it. Without the help from X and mom, I don't know - I'd probably be in a looney bin by now. I definitely need breaks often. Even if it's just someone taking L for a walk or into the other room for 5 minutes. I cannot imagine not being able to call out "honey? could you please bring me a diaper/wipe/kleenex/new outfit for the baby, etc..." and have someone at the ready to help in that way.

I know that men are generally not intuitive creatures and that they are generally happy to do what we ask - we just have to ask, because they don't realize that x, y, and z need to be done. But sometimes I do still wish that X would be intuitive. So I don't have to ask. Because, honestly I feel guilty asking for real help. I feel guilty asking him to help clean because it's my job. He doesn't ask me to do any part of his job. So - why should I?

Of course, I don't leave my dirty socks on his desk... so there's that.

Every job on the planet has bitter and sweet.

I just need to find some sugar, and swallow. :)

- a

"I'm not going to let my kids do that" and other lies we tell ourselves

as I sit here with Winnie the Pooh playing on the tv in the playroom for the hundredth time, I am reminded of my judgy mcjudgypants attitude against parents who let their kids watch movies everyday. "I'm not going to let my kids watch movies everyday. no tv before 2 years at all, and then only 20 minutes a day. it offends me that parents are proud or think it's cute when their child can recite lines from a movie at a young age."

all a buncha bull.

ideally, I would love it if we took nature walks every morning, and went to enriching museums every afternoon. and the library. and the zoo. but that's not our current reality. and I have to let it go. right now, L watches Winnie the Pooh and the Lion King and Phineas & Ferb and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and PBS while I nurse H, or sit like a zombie on the playroom floor struggling to keep my eyes open. the tv isn't quite a babysitter - but it's definitely an extra set of hands so to speak. 4 years ago me is appalled. today me would tell her to get bent.

"you can do anything. but you can't do everything"

so - I don't get to be the mom who makes all her baby's food from scratch, or who doesn't let them watch tv, or who trains for a marathon while her kids nap. and that's okay by me.

I just hope this humbling epiphany will help me be less judgmental in the future.

-a

birth control and the three day decision

My husband and I had made the decision to have 2 children. period. two. and we have to beautiful children. a son and a daughter. no reason to long for that little girl or little boy - we have one of each.

and yet.

My pregnancies haven't been what one would call enjoyable - and one of them was even high risk. I don't enjoy being pregnant. I, in fact, truly dislike being pregnant.

and yet.

I've been having these dreams the past couple of weeks where I find out I'm pregnant, and then find out it's a girl. And it's always a shock, and it's always a mixed bag of excitement and dread. And when I wake up from these dreams, I'm always relieved that they aren't reality.

and yet...

I can't seem to shake the longing for one more child. I'm not that Duggar lady - I don't have any delusions of having 15 kids, I don't even think I would go so far as to have 4 or 5... but it seems like this 3rd baby needs to be born. But I DO REALIZE that I could be under the spell of crazy hormones. And for that reason - I will not make the decision to persue a 3rd child.

However, my husband had offered (and we had previously agreed) that he would have a vasectomy.

After much discussion together, with my mother, and with our family doctor, we have decided not to decide for now. And I'm going to have mirena (I don't know how to spell it) placed for the time being.

If in a couple of years I still want this 3rd baby, we'll discuss it again. And if not? He'll go in and have the vasectomy.

On to the three day decision... (I'll bet you thought I already covered that, huh?)

It's about L, and her school. Currently, she goes to school 2 days a week. And it's great. She loves her school, and she gets great enrichment from being there. She can count to ten in English and Spanish, she can jump, she does the hokey pokey - I didn't teach her those things. Just before H was born, we discussed sending L to school 3 days a week, but I decided at the time that it wasn't what I wanted to do.

Now, I think it might be a good idea.

It's only until 2:30, and 2 of the hours she is away at school, she's napping (and would be if she were here)... So I'm really only missing out on 3 hours of awake L time each day she's gone. And to be honest - right now especially, when she's here I'm not enriching her. I'm struggling to keep up with her. (and to keep her from hurting or killing herself by climbing on various things in the house).

So we may become three-days-a-weekers.

Which would also give me more time to blog...

-a

NaBloPoMo and a shower

I've been repeatedly begged by my friends to keep a blog. And I've thought it would be a great idea, and a fantastic way for me to share my crazy life with an audience. But I've generally sucked at actually sitting down and writing an entry each day.

And then I came across NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) - during which the challenge is to post to a blog every day for the month of November. This is much more doable for me than the National Novel writing month, or the No shave November (which, let's face it - I could do... but my husband, who has already been through too much of seeing me at my worst in the past few months, doesn't deserve that particular brand of torture).

So, here I am. Let's see if I'm up to the challenge.

I got to take a shower today. This may seem like a small accomplishment, but first let me say that I hadn't gotten one since SUNDAY, and second - I didn't just get a perfunctory shower, I got a shower during which I had time to actually wash my hair AND shave my legs (take that, No shave November!). L went to school today (as we are considering sending her 3 days a week now instead of just 2), and H was mercifully not attached to my boob for the moment, so I seized the opportunity.

H has been nursing so often, I was thinking he must have had a tapeworm... But it's finally slowing down. I'm not kidding - he would finish nursing, burp, get a diaper change, and immediately start rooting for the boob again. I thought I would lose my mind. He already weighs over 12 pounds! L didn't weigh 12 pounds until she was a year old. And he's not even 2 months old!!

I'm going to tempt fate now and try to have lunch before H wants to nurse again. I may even see what it's like to chew before I swallow AND what food tastes like hot instead of lukewarm or cold.

may the force be with me.